literature

Prince and princess- part one

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Yes, that's me the girl who is watching the Ferris wheel thinking whets going on up there. Smokey, my emboar, by me being protective of course.  A guy my age or so was walking up behind me not paying attention, Smokey was out of my corner of my eye. I notice a light ear flicker. That meant something bad, something pretty bad. Smokey was about to charge. He started to gain speed. I started to run and yell to the guy warning him of want was happening. He looked up and pulled his arms up to protect him self. I returned Smokey to his pokeball. I couldn't slow my speed and ran in to him.

"I'm so sorry about this! Smokey's really protective! He was in a good mood this morning and I thought that he would be okay!" I said blushing and keeping my head down so he couldn't see me blushing. I looked up quickly just to see how he looked. He had dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. He had a big black trench coat jacket it was made out of leather that looked like it flowed behind him. He looked dark and dangerous but his eyes said he wasn't. They were childlike and even playful.

"No, it's my fault. I should really stop thinking and walking," he said chuckling. "My name is Mitchell," holding out his hand with the goofiest smile on his face.

"I'm Becca," I aid quietly. Not knowing how he would react to someone that has too many freckles or blue-yellow eyes. "If y-you n-ne-need pokemon help or p-pokesitter or something else c-call me here's my Xtransciever number," I stuttered out. "I have to go, bye," I said while releasing blaze, my charizard, and jumping on his back. I knew he was gawking or in awe of me and blaze riding off back to my house.


~FEW DAYS LATER~

"H-hello is this Becca? Its Mitchell if you cant tell."

"yes, this is her?" I asked questioningly.

"W-would you like to go out with me?"

I felt like my jaw dropped. No guy ever took interest in me. I mean my best friends love me like a sister. I just can't help to feel dumbfounded. "I'm making dinner, if you would like to you could come out to eat with me?" I could tell by his face, even if he looked pixilated, would want to come.

"You mean I can come out there and see you?" with skeptic in his voice.

"Yes."

Few minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. "H-hi, I'm sorry about doing this to you on such short notice"

"Your fine," I chuckled while I was saying that Chewy, my lillipup, slipped out. "Oh no! Chewy come back!"

"I'll get her!" he yelled back. I watched him, a tall guy trying to catch her. I leaned against the wooden doorframe, giggling on how she is running in circles trying to evade his grasp. When he finally caught her, he had a huge grin going to ear to ear. I nodded slightly to tell him to come in, and then I turned to go in. He closed the door softly behind him.

"Whoa," as he came in. he saw the Pokémon I had, some he recognized some he didn't. He saw my badges I had from past regions. "Are these yours?

"Mhmm, past regions I had been in."

"Where's your home town then…?"

"Pallet town."

"Isn't that Johto region?"

"Yes, that's where I lived as a kid. A lot of good memories there."

"Any here yet?"

"Yes," I said while blushing some, but thankfully I had my back turned to him.

"Like what, may I ask?"

"Right now or when I first met you or whenever I go to the Ferris wheel."

      There was some awkward silence between us for a little bit. "Dinner is ready!"

"Ooo! What's for dinner?"

"Chicken and rice."

"Sounds good!"

I brought the food to the table blushing slightly, I felt like I was married to him for some reason. His eyes lit up at the sight of food. Oh food you can easily win over some easily.

"Could I ask you something? You don't have answer if you don't want"

"I don't mind. You can ask me anything you want."

"How old are you? I'm asking because you look around my age."

"I'm eighteen."

"Same with me! Then how could you have gone to all those regions?"

"I go through them fast, battle the gym leaders, and beat the elite four not being able to defeat the champion. I accept my defeat and go to the next region and try my luck there. I want least one time in my life to be a champion. Looks like that will ever happen."

"You're a champion to me."

"Really I am?"

"Yes. Maybe after dinner we can go to my house." While he was saying that he gently grab my hand placed it in his. Probably when he was doing that my cheeks were slowly turning red.

"Y-you h-have a h-house?"

"Yes my parents gave me theirs."

"Is it far from here?"

"Not terribly, I mean we have to walk I don't mind to walk. Do you?"

"I don't mind. I get tired I can ride one of my Pokémon."

"That's good. Besides I like talking to you. You make me feel smart and your so caring and kind."

"Thank you for saying that to me."

"Would you like to go to my house after dinner? I would like to show you the house and the backyard you could bring some of your Pokémon and they can be in the back yard and the hill its on has a beautiful view at sunsets and at night because you can see the city lit up. You probably want me to stop rambling now, huh?"

"No, your fine I don't mind at all." I said giggling on how he was being cute about it. "We can go now if you want to?"

"Don't you want to clean up? I could help."

"You want to help me clean up? Many guys wouldn't want to help."

"I really don't mind at all."

"If you can help me with putting the dishes in the dishwasher?"

"Sure!"

I would wash hand them off to him. After a while he started no paying attention to where his are and when he reached for the plate he placed his on mine. When he did he looked at me with a little red on his face and I looked a way nervously.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, let me grab some Pokémon and I will be ready to go!"

"Ready?"

"Come on Sparky, my Pikachu friend, Ray, my raichu friend!"

"You have a Pikachu and a raichu?"

"Ya, they have been my friends since I helped sparky."

"Come on I wanna show you the city from my house!"

"I'm coming'!"

He put his arm on my shoulders; he turned his head to whisper in my ear. I was giggling like a little schoolgirl. I couldn't help it he made me happy and even made me excited.

"Hey! Get off of her! You're abducting her!" a man said pushing Mitchell off of me.

"I'm not abducting her!" Mitchell was yelling.

"He isn't! I swear!"

"Yeah right! Would you trust a big guy in a leather trench coat!"

"Yes I would! I trust him!" When I said that Mitchell blushed a little.   

"If you don't stop now I will battle you to show you that I can take care of my self if I have too!"

"Fine! Battle me!"

"Becca, you don't know have to battle him if you don't want to…."

"I know, I'm doing this to show that not all girls are weak and besides I haven't battle with Blaze and Lucifer in a long time."

"Hahaha. If you get hurt I'm here for you."

"Thank you." I said and reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

"It's going to be a two on two battle!" yelled the man.

"Fine! Blaze, Lucifer come on out!" I bellowed

"Sawsback, Swoobat lets battle!" yelled the man

"Blaze, Lucifer gym battle style! I'm not going easy on you for saying that him!"

"Good cause im not going to either!"

"Blaze go high! Lucifer brace yourself! I'll let you go first!"

"Fine! Sawsback take down! Swoobatt bite!"

"Lucifer lick! Blaze deflect then flame thrower in its face!"

"Swoobat! No!"

"Sawsback again take down!"

"Blaze grab sawsback, go up high then drill it to the ground before you reach the ground pull up! Go!"

That was the last of sawsback and swoobat for this battle. "You did great guys for not battling in a while! I thought you guys will be rusty but weren't!!"

"Y-you have a gengar..?"

"Yeah I have had them both now that seems forever now. I still love all my original team!"

"Ready to back to my place now?"

"Yes!" I said excitedly.

"Come on then!"

He grabbed my hand pulled me to his house. "Your house is beautiful.."

"Thank you. Are you thirsty from the battle?"

"Do you have any hot chocolate?"

"Yes, I do! How many marsh mellows?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Just one please!"  As I called out I was looking at pictures of him as a kid. He still had that look in his eyes, just a playful look. I couldn't help but to laugh at the photo, he was pulling on a patrats cheeks and patrat being unamused.

"Here ya go, one hot chocolate with marsh mellow."

"Thank you. So whose patrat is that?"

"My friend fish's older brother Rocket!"

"These are my best friends from Pallet Town." Showing him the photo. "Of course I was the only girl of the four" pointing to the guy with my arm around his shoulder "I use to do things to him that guys would not tell another, guy like being beat by a girl a lot" pointing at the other guys "those two are a year older" pointing at the one who black hair "I know he's been all the regions that I have been in I don't know where he is now" pointing to the who looks grumpy guy "I think he still is in Johto…. These guys were my best friends in that little town"

"Wow, so you were the tomboy in Pallet town?"

"Yeah, I didn't mind it at all. I thought it was fun being with the guys."

"Are you done with your hot chocolate? I'll take and wash it out for you."

"Oh yes, yes I am. I'll take it and wash it out for you."

      We were reaching for the glass at the same time but mine hand was on the bottom and his was on top. I blushed probably scarlet red or around that color or so. His was maybe a little lighter.

"I probably have to get home and get ready for tomorrow," I said embarrassed

"Becca, your fine. You don't have to leave. Please don't go."

I was almost of the porch when he reached out and grabbed my hand. "Please don't go. I want to show you my house. Please just don't go."
well this is my story the beginning if i get good reviews there will be a second one

so whos in the picture with Becca?

Blaze (charizard)

Smoky (emboar) (original right? smoke ham/ bacon and fire type)

Lucifer gengar

Sparky (original right? XD)

Ray (raichu)

If i get good reviews there will be a scond i promise this is six pages by the way

a 7th grader wrote this by the way im in a top english class :3

sorry if i get the regions mix up to "to" part confusing me every time
© 2011 - 2024 RawrzTLK
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Electric-Raichu's avatar
Hmmm....

I hope you don't mind if I try and give you some constructive criticism. I think some aspects of your writing are good, but others could do with some improvement. (I'm not an expert, but at least I've had more experience with writing.)

The introductory paragraphs were great. Your description is clear, succinct, and effective. It introduces two (the main?) characters in a realistic way.

I like most of the style of the dialogue. It's economical in words but gets the point across. I think you realize that fiction dialogue is not quite the same as natural speech. You are succinct but give the illusion of being realistic. You advance the story naturally.

Your two characters, however, are unrealistic. What 18 year old can zip through 8 badges and the E4 and not show evidence of absolute dedication to her training, let alone being a celebrity.

Would a girl really be so forthcoming with a guy who she met only once before? There is little evidence of a relationship forming naturally between them. Rather the hand of the author forcing events to happen is evident.

How the chapter closes is pretty blatant set up as to what's coming next. Again, this is artificial and unrealistic--unless your girl is a hussy and your guy has no respect for the opposite sex, which contradicts the characters you are trying to paint.

Another point: you want to surprise the reader. After reading this chapter, I can tell what the next one is likely to be about (unless you have something up your sleeve [hold on... reads ahead... nope, I was rightl]). You need to keep your reader in suspense, wondering what will happen in the next chapter, not letting them predict it. Some foreshadowing is nice, but you don't want it to be blatant.

I don't mean to discourage you. 7th grader, is that around 12 or 13 years old? That's not bad writing IMHO. I think you're definitely on the right track. You just need to improve on some things, and practice more. I find it surprising, but you do improve with creative writing if you practice.